How to Alienate People and Expose Yourself as a Total Douche Bag, in 1 Easy Step
You may not realize it, but the Pineapple is a hot ticket.
It’s true! I’ve got ’em lined up around the block! Okay, the block looks like this:
…and it’s only one guy.
When I told my husband the story I’m about to tell you, he was understandably surprised and disturbed by the revelation. Then, he responded with, “Well, your facebook pictures are, you know…pretty nice.” Really? That’s what it is? Well-screened facebook photos? Not the fact that I’m actually decent looking or attractive in any way? Gee, thanks honey. (Price Charming strikes again!)
Apparently, on facebook, my husband thinks I look like this :
Or maybe like this:
But in REAL life, I just look like this:
Well, poor judgment or false advertising aside, on Friday I received some…inappropriate private facebook messages from my husband’s cousin. You heard me. His cousin.
It started off innocently enough – How are you? How’s the family? – and was never rude or indecent, but it was definitely inappropriate. In fact, during the course of the exchange, I counted TEN distinct compliments from him to me, and the conversation wasn’t very long! Every time I said anything, he’d turn it into a compliment about how I look. Well, one time he complimented my sense of humor – that was refreshing.
What did I do during the chat? I kept trying to deflect – and redirect – and brush off the compliments with an “lol.” I was fighting to keep my head above water in his tidal wave of desperate flirting.
Unfortunately, since I try to avoid lying at all cost, I was left with little room to excuse myself from the conversation gracefully. Finally, I told the kids, “When I count to three, I want you to scream. Then I’ll wave my hand and you can stop, okay?” They agreed. What a fun game! Mom told us to scream!
1 – 2 – 3!
Then I typed, “Hey, gotta run. Kids are screaming!” And signed off.
Now I ask you, what kind of a person flirts with his cousin’s wife? A douche bag person. That’s right!
So, kids, if you’d like to be a douche bag, too – and alienate people – remember to flirt with married women! I can’t guarantee you’ll live long enough to do it more than once, though…depends on who you alienate, I guess.
Lucky for the cousin, Prince Charming is an angry phone call kind of guy.
Oh and for those of you sending in audition tapes and head shots, the role of “Creepy Cousin” has been cast. Thanks for your interest!