How to Alienate People and Expose Yourself as a Total Douche Bag, in 1 Easy Step

 

You may not realize it, but the Pineapple is a hot ticket.

Stop laughing.

It’s true!  I’ve got ‘em lined up around the block!  Okay, the block looks like this:

block

…and it’s only one guy. 

When I told my husband the story I’m about to tell you, he was understandably surprised and disturbed by the revelation.  Then, he responded with, “Well, your facebook pictures are, you know…pretty nice.”  Really?  That’s what it is?  Well-screened facebook photos?  Not the fact that I’m actually decent looking or attractive in any way?  Gee, thanks honey.  (Price Charming strikes again!)

Apparently, on facebook, my husband thinks I look like this :

Elizabeth-Taylor-elizabeth-taylor-16357279-1255-1600

Or maybe like this:

VICTORIA_VANUCCI

But in REAL life, I just look like this:

Melissa-Mccarthy

Well, poor judgment or false advertising aside, on Friday I received some…inappropriate private facebook messages from my husband’s cousin.  You heard me.  His cousin.

It started off innocently enough – How are you? How’s the family? - and was never rude or indecent, but it was definitely inappropriate.  In fact, during the course of the exchange, I counted TEN distinct compliments from him to me, and the conversation wasn’t very long!  Every time I said anything, he’d turn it into a compliment about how I look.  Well, one time he complimented my sense of humor – that was refreshing.

What did I do during the chat?  I kept trying to deflect –  and redirect - and brush off the compliments with an “lol.”  I was fighting to keep my head above water in his tidal wave of desperate flirting.

Unfortunately, since I try to avoid lying at all cost, I was left with little room to excuse myself from the conversation gracefully.  Finally, I told the kids, “When I count to three, I want you to scream.  Then I’ll wave my hand and you can stop, okay?”  They agreed.  What a fun game!  Mom told us to scream! 

1 – 2 – 3!

AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Stop!

Then I typed, “Hey, gotta run.  Kids are screaming!”  And signed off.

Now I ask you, what kind of a person flirts with his cousin’s wife?  A douche bag person.  That’s right!

So, kids, if you’d like to be a douche bag, too – and alienate people – remember to flirt with married women!  I can’t guarantee you’ll live long enough to do it more than once, though…depends on who you alienate, I guess.

Lucky for the cousin, Prince Charming is an angry phone call kind of guy.

Oh and for those of you sending in audition tapes and head shots, the role of “Creepy Cousin” has been cast.  Thanks for your interest!

charles_manson

I’ve always thought you were really pretty…

6 thoughts on “How to Alienate People and Expose Yourself as a Total Douche Bag, in 1 Easy Step

  1. Who was this cousin, I mean our family is a bit odd I admit that freely and willingly and you are nothing less than stunningly beautiful but why would Mark’s cousin find it okay to flirt with Mark’s wife? I wont lie I wanted to flirt with you at Christmas but refrained because you are Mark’s wife. Lol Im totally kidding about the flirting part. I love ya Courtney keep the blog going I anxiously await your daily post.

  2. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around Mark’s comment about the facebook pictures. Aside from the false advertising angle (which is bogus because you, like I, look better in three dimensions), the remark seems to carry an implication that you should expect this kind of thing when you post nice pictures of yourself on facebook. I want to be irritated by that, but the words of a certain cowboy come to mind: “Now you can’t say you’ve never been [cyber flirted with]. But that was coming to you, so be game.” LOL. Ah, El Capitan…

    • I know. Mark doesn’t think about this stuff before he says it. I don’t think he meant that the pictures excused the behavior. I think he meant it as a compliment. Like he was sympathizing with the people who see them and lose control, lol. What’s hilarious to me is that they’re just regular stupid pictures of a regular person and they aren’t interesting or fancy in any way, excluding the wedding pictures, I guess. I did look pretty good THAT day. LOL

  3. Pingback: You Really Don’t Need to Tell People Off | jack joseph's mom

  4. Pingback: Flirty and Failing: How to Spot a Facebook Fisher | Pineapple Tales

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